Job Interview

What is my greatest strength? Why, thank you for asking. I love that question. No, it's not a stupid question at all. I would love to tell you all about my number one talent.

I am a model procrastinator. You will be hard-pressed to find a procrastinator as talented as me. I come from a long line of quality procrastinator stock--my father and brother are especially skilled. For example, my first year of graduate school I finished finals before my brother finished finals at his university. I drove to Seattle to spend a few days with him and when I arrived, he informed me that he still had one more term paper to finish that day and turn in by 5:00 pm. It was about noon. We had lunch and then we went to the library on his campus so that he could print his paper and run to turn it in. When I say run, I mean, quite literally, that he printed his paper at 4:56 and sprinted across campus to turn in his paper at precisely 5:00.

You would like another example, you say? Well, I have one. My dad got his MBA when I was in college, and we used to call each other on Sundays when we had things due or exams on Mondays:

Me: "What are you doing?"
Father: "Oh, cleaning the garage. And then I think I might plant some grass seed in the back yard. You know, over seed the grass. Make it thicker."
Me: "I thought you never, ever did yard work. That is why you conceived a son."
Father: "Yeah, well. It's either that or study for my final."

Oh, you wanted another example that pertained to me? Well. I think I might just have a pretty fabulous one.

My senior year of college I had a pretty giant term paper due one glorious morning and I had managed to leave it until the night before to finish. Okay, I admit, start and finish. So I was working at the computer lab on campus (bottom of Decker, for all you Ravens), and I decided to go home around midnight to get some food. I went home. I ate. I sat down at my home computer and realized that the disk on which my essay was saved was still in the computer I had been working on in the lab. Now, for those of you who didn't attend my alma mater, you should know that the labs get locked after midnight. I was well aware of this since I had spent M-A-N-Y nights working on papers late in the lab. I jumped in my car, crying at this point, and tore off up the street to campus. Then I got to a red light. And I am not kidding you, the light was mocking me. It stayed red. There were ZERO CARS anywhere to be seen. Not coming, not going, not crossing, not behind me. None. There the light was, hanging from its wire, bouncing with laughter (or the wind, but I prefer to think it was laughing at me, to help explain my next move). I decided that I would peek around, and, upon deciding there were no police cars anywhere, I drove cautiously through the intersection. Oh, guess what happened next?

Cop: "I'm pretty sure you know why I pulled you over. You were at a complete stop and then ran a red light."
Me: "My paper! In Decker! The lab. Locked! Due in the morning! It was so stupid! I know! The light! Laughing! My paper!" [insert crying]
Cop: "Have you been drinking?"
Me: [flustered] "NO! My paper! Due in the morning! Stupid light!"

Lucky for me I got off with a warning. Oh and I'm pretty sure he followed me to campus. I did manage to get my disk, too, an hour later after I called campus security, crying, and begged them to come rescue me. Oh and I finished my paper 15 minutes before I left for campus the following morning.

The best part? I got an A on that paper. That's right! You heard me.

Why, then, should you hire me? After all, procrastination isn't exactly what you're looking for in a potential job candidate. Well, I can see that. I can understand that you might feel a little tense when the Deadline for the Project is Approaching and I am still in Stage One of Completion or whathaveyou. But think! Think of the excitement I will bring to the office as my coworkers rally around me while I sweat it out and turn in all projects just seconds before they are due! Think of the challenges I will overcome on a daily basis to finish goals at the last possible moment!

I can see, now, that you don't quite agree with me on the value in having me as an employee. You think procrastination would be more appropriate to discuss as a weakness, instead of a strength. Well, you say tomato, I say ketchup, I suppose. Thank you for your time, I guess. I hope I'll be hearing from you, soon.

Oh, and one more thing. This interview? The one we've been having? A fabulous display of my procrastinatory abilities. What was I supposed to be doing? Oh, working on my Master's thesis, which I was supposed to have finished about two years ago.

I can see it in your eyes. You are impressed. I can start on Monday.