messy

Life really feels messy right now…with glimpses of normalcy.

I am fine. Then sobbing. Then fine. Then someone tries to comfort with some awful statement, then I am in shock. Then I am fine. Then I feel empty. Then I feel ok. It comes in waves. Not a fan of this mourning stuff.

In response I have indeed cleaned and reorganized my entire apartment. Why not grasp control of the few items I can control? Am I alone in this (fellow ladies that have been pegged with the title “type A”)? I love being put in a box.

After a year an a half of trying to get pregnant, months of tests and blood work, books, hours of awful advice, acupuncture, pregnancy, losing my first baby (Baby Bean), surgery, and more blood tests and fantastic procedures…the doctors have declared that we are completely normal and have no reason to not be getting pregnant. It is bizarre to me how we longed to hear those words and yet those words throw me into a whirlwind of questions.

Well, we are choosing to celebrate and against all that is within me that wants to never hurt this bad again, we are going to try, again, to get pregnant. I am popping pills/vitamins/clomid and the doctors are going to monitor every little step. Next week they are going to do yet another ultrasound to tell us how many follicles are ready to release eggs (that means they will tell us if we are looking at high chances of multiples, ha). Then they will give me some shot, pat us on the butt and order us to the “Act of Marriage”. Always a disappointing command, ha. I am just following the MD’s orders?!?

ALSO…it is true that I could hear Soren’s poop over the phone. I could visualize his mustard colored poop bleeding through the back side of his always adorable onesies. Keep up the great work Poop Master! Hope your Mr. is recovering well.