A Bipolar Musing On Beauty

A couple of weeks ago, Hilary wrote a post entitled "The Sins of the Nation" on her (insightful, well-written, informed) blog, Alt Christian. I recommend reading Hilary's post in its entirety. However, the short version is that Hilary was in a conversation about the various sins of the nation that are screaming for God's judgment. Some people believe that things like the number of people who are pro-choice or pro-gay marriage in our country cause God to inflict us with something like the terrorist attacks on 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina. While I would like to ask why it is that similarly devastating things don't befall other nations with similar views on such sins, I will instead say that Hilary's blog wondered whether we weren't guilty, as a nation, of some other sins that ought to be addressed. One of these was, in Hilary's words, "Our obsession with image, and denial of what is truly important- our character." This is a particular sin that grieves me and that I'd like to explore.

I feel a little bipolar about image. I go back and forth about my opinion on my own image and on any given day I can feel dissonance about how beauty ought to be defined. Now that I'm a mother, I feel pressure to come up with a definition because I want Miles and Søren to have answers when they ask me questions. As their mother, I want to set a healthy, realistic example for them. Nat and I talk about this quite a bit. Before I explain more, I have one caveat. In terms of essential personal care, I do feel that bathing daily, maintaining basic grooming, eating healthfully and exercising regularly are important. I have decided that these mainstays of caring for oneself are foundations upon which one's image or one's beauty can be built. More on this below.

I am watching the 2008 Olympic games when I can, and I am of course amazed and humbled by the athletes--not just their dedication or their strength/talent/focus, etc.--I am amazed and humbled by their physical appearance. I am sure I am not the only woman in America to watch, say, Misty May-Traenor play beach volleyball and feel envious of her long, lean limbs, her bronzed belly, her sinewy, toned everything. It seems like every 5 minutes, the coverage of the games breaks for these many messages from our sponsors, and I am often struck by the garish ads for make-up, especially, but for all of the products that help us define our image. The athletes of the games and the buy-easy beauty of the commercials seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum.

But what is realistic and what should I present to my boys? I am no Olympic athlete, and neither am I a make-up model. Nor do I aspire to be. Here are my current warring moods:

Mood One:
It is important to look good. It is more desirous to be in shape, even to the point of Olympian, than to be flabby or only kind of thinnish. I should lose the weight I gained while pregnant, and until I do, I'm gross. I will make remarks about myself in the mirror accordingly. Ew, I will say, look at my fat face or my stretch-marked abdomen. No more swimming in public for me. I should find something to wear that makes me look a little less paunchy, and then I should spend a good 15 minutes (this is a lot for me) on styling my hair. Then I should spend another 15 minutes on my make-up, working to conceal my flaws. I should still be dissatisfied, though, because I don't look like the celebrities in any given outlet--music, film, politics, religion. I should work harder.

Mood Two:
Screw that. I should be completely happy with my image. I don't need to focus on losing weight, I don't need to fret about my stretch marks--they are battle wounds from growing two HUMAN BEINGS in my body. I should be proud. I don't need to style my hair, I just need my hair to be healthy, trimmed, brushed and washed. I don't want to wear make-up--who knows what is in it anyway? And when I'm finished with a tube of mascara, container of blush, eyeshadow brush, lipstick, I am just going to throw them away and contribute to more trash on the already overburdened planet. I don't need to participate in such gross consumerism as to purchase the make-up that helps me buy the image I am seeking--anyway Nat reaffirms me daily in his love for me and tells me I'm beautiful without make-up or without hair products. I want to keep my body as free from toxins as possible--shouldn't this include health and beauty products? And Miles and Søren greet me with hugs, smiles, and snuggles every morning whether I am wearing make-up or not.

So What Is The Middle Ground?
I have to admit, I tend to find myself in the 2nd mood more often than the 1st. I work out or go for walks or practice yoga, but not so much for weight loss anymore. I really just want to be a healthy mom and fit enough to play with my kids for as long as I can. I want to be able to go on hikes with them when I'm 75, should I get to live so long. Weight loss is just a happy byproduct. But I do have struggles. Despite Nat's affirmations, I remember reading books like "The Power of a Praying Wife" that told me I have to be pretty to keep his eye from straying. (Does that make you mad? I think it should, and so does Nat). I am tired of advice to young women that they have to make themselves a mirror image of the most highly-revered celebrities, at least in the looks department, so that their husbands won't leave them, and for good reason. Why can't there be accountability on both sides? Should men really be given permission to look around elsewhere, or fantasize about someone else, just because his tired wife (or tired mother of his children) hasn't had time to put on a cute outfit and some lip gloss?

When Miles was born, I was given a book called 365 Things Every New Mom Should Know. The concept of the book is that you read a little page-worth of insights or tips each day after your baby is born to help you get through the often difficult first year. Some of the advice is great: the author recommends things like pumping breast milk so that someone else can give the baby one of the feedings in the middle of the night, or making time to see a friend for coffee so that you have the chance for adult conversation in the midst of your baby care. But she also recommends that new moms take time to put on make-up before their husbands get home from work. This will make them feel better about themselves, she argues. And to some extent, I guess I agree. It's like the advice to dress up before an exam--feeling like you look good makes you perform better. So I tried. I would make sure I had showered, dressed, made up my face, blow dried my hair, all before Nat would get home. And I was so exhausted by the end of it, it didn't matter. Usually it proved to be easier to wait until Nat got home so that he could hold the baby so I could shower. Sort of defeats the purpose there. Or does it?

I'm not saying that there is no merit to looking good. I do think that I feel better about myself if I think I look nice and I do think that looking nice shows a degree of self assurance that is important. But at the same time, when we measure our standard of what is beautiful against images that are not only unrealistic but usually false (as in air-brushed or cosmetic-surgeried), we are giving in to vanity in such a way that we are most unquestionably sinning.

The bottom line, I suppose, is that I still don't know what I want to present to my kids. I don't like that Miles watches me put on make-up and either reacts by wanting me to stop so that I can play with him or reacts by staring a bit too intently. What am I already teaching him about image at this young age? That it is more important for Mommy to wear eye shadow than it is for her to read a book or sing a song? Is this what I hope for him to find in a future mate--someone whose priority is her looks over her children? Drastic, yes, but I wonder whether this is the implicit message I send. Nat and I want our sons to learn to love their girlfriends/wives for who they are, not the outside presentation, because of course that changes from day to day and from year to year. How can we teach them the balance between image and character, and how can we find the balance in our own lives?

RR